


The Cake Eating Queen

by pascaler23



Series: Different Experiments [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Brothers, Grocery Shopping, Holmes Brothers, John is Not Amused, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones, Sherlock Being Sherlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-03 21:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6626101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pascaler23/pseuds/pascaler23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is bored. John gets a phone call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JojaEvanslock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JojaEvanslock/gifts).



> Hello! First of the Experiment ficlets. Others are already written and coming soon.
> 
> I hope you'll like it!
> 
> (This is for JojaEvanslock, who is lovely. :)

Carrots ✓

Tea ✓

Milk

Petri dishes

Soap ✓

Potatoes ✓

Condoms ✓

Chicken

Pasta ✓

That sauce Mrs.Hudson has in her fridge

Salad

Yogourt

Biscuits ✓

 

John was continuing his errand at Tesco, struggling to make everything fit in the basket he was holding and wondering why he hadn’t taken one with wheels. Actually, he was wondering why three years into living with Sherlock, he hadn’t gotten the man to get the groceries just _once_. He’d given up on asking. Anyway, it probably wasn’t a good idea. Sherlock running the errands, John imagined, would mainly consist of him saying “boring” and “useless” at everything that was food or hygiene products and ending up buying tea, twelve different brands of dog food for experiments, condoms and weird exotic fruits that tasted even more awful than they looked. Because “they were not boring.” And he’d definitely buy no milk.

Still, as John got up on his tiptoes to reach a jar of sauce on a high shelve (why did they make shelves so high, they know there is short people shopping too!), he really wished Sherlock had been there to grab it. He’d just gotten his fingertips around it, basket oscillating dangerously, when suddenly Sherlock’s voice resounded in the aisle.

“I’m just a balding cake eating queen who can’t differentiate Chullo from Icelandic wool sheep with a too personal relationship with my umbrella. Don’t answer, John.”

The latter jumped, dropping the sauce jar with a curse, then catching it on its way down by reflex. With a relieved sigh, he placed it with the other aliments, the adrenaline of the surprise wearing off. He turned around, wondering if Sherlock was there, when he realized the voice sounded a tad electronic, and that people were staring weirdly at him.

“Bollocks,” the doctor murmured under his breath, and struggled to get his phone out of his jacket pocket with only one hand, which took longer than he wished as Sherlock’s voice continued to repeat the message. He should really never leave his things alone with Sherlock.

Finally, he fished his phone out of his pocket. It was, of course, Mycroft. John answered, ignoring the looks the people were giving him.

* * *

 

“Sherlock?” John asked as he walked into the kitchen, hands full of bags.

“Mmmm. Yes?” the man asked absentmindedly, eye glued to his microscope.

“Did you change the rings on my phone?”

The brunet looked hesitant for a second. That told John everything he needed to know.

“Why on Earth would you do that?”

“I was bored, you were out. There’s not much to do around here, you know. It’s dreadful,” the detective sighed dramatically.

John looked around at the operation and cluedo games sprawled on the sitting room floor, at the bladders in a plate next to the toaster and at the… burned dvds in the pan? and wondered to which point had Sherlock thought there was nothing better to do with his time than recording stupid messages on his mobile. “You really had nothing better to do?”

“Nothing. Usually when that happens I come to you and we have sex, but as I said, you were out.”

“Glad to know the sex is your last resort.”

Sherlock just rolled his eyes.

“Who else got a new ring?”

“Molly, Mrs.Hudson, Harry, Stamford and Lestrade. And me, obviously.”

“You recorded a message for every single one of them?”

Sherlock hummed, going back to his microscope, clearly having no more interest in the conversation.

“I really need to find you a case,” John murmured to himself, and started to unpack the groceries.

Sherlock hummed again.

 


	2. Some other rings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some other rings Sherlock did for John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I did some more rings! :) I hope you'll like them!

**Lestrade** : I’m just a doughnut eater who’s wife cheat on because my hair was grey when I was 26 years old. I probably call you to go for pints, but you shouldn’t answer and spend the evening with Sherlock instead, he’s such a clever man and a great guy and has amazing hair. I’m secretly jealous of his hair.

 **Stamford** : I’m overweight and in need of love so I make up for it by playing cupid.

 **Sherlock:** Oooh John, yes, right there, hmmmm you feel so good. Good, now that I have your attention, stop whatever you are doing and answer right now, if convenient. If inconvenient, answer anyway, or I won’t do that thing with my tongue tonight.

 **Molly** : (Fake girl voice) Hi! It’s me- euh Molly, sorry, you can’t know who ‘me’ is, haha. I wear too big earrings and lipstick to seduce homosexual men and have crushes on psychopaths. I also hang out with dead people, how much does that say on my social skills? Haha awkward laugh say hi to Sherlock for me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback still appreciated! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated. :)


End file.
